yet I do the most waiting out of anyone I know.
I feel like I’m doing something wrong,
so why does it feel so right?
I haven’t stopped wanting you.
What’s worse: I think about you even when I don’t try.
I would have called, but it stings too much to be ignored by you.
I tried to give up, but I’ve never wanted something so badly.
that love is not the missing peice
that my puzzle had been fulfilled long ago
by the self-awareness and love for thyself.
I’ve learned
that the only thing my scrambled brained
has told itself of what it lacks
is the one to share with, the love I have found.
I’ve learned
that my heart and my mind
only crave the attention and affection of one
and will fight until I can, too, belong to him.
You’re only skin deep.
I’m reaching the final stretch
and yet you remain so close to me.
So dear.
And I find myself thinking about
not thinking about you
only to resume my thought process
and engage myself once more.
Where did your heart go?
Or better yet, your words.
I’ve searched high and low
only to find dust where they once sat
High upon my shelf.
My empty, stone shelf.
Beauty.
From beauty,
Pain.
I’ve cycled myself through this unruly routine
But I feel it in my bones,
the change
I never stopped thinking.
I never gave up.
Proof is on its way.
I just needed to know that you were real
that you weren’t just some hopeless reminder of some long forgotten feeling.
I closed my eyes, my tired eyes, to avoid the sight of what once was
to focus on what is now
but today my heart sank once more
because I guess
I just need to know that you were not the same
So I give you words and satisfaction to let you know
that you’ve long been sorting through my thoughts
and waring out my mind
because I guess this time, like all times,
I was wrong.
The thought of losing it worries my tired flesh,
but the thought of you gives my restless bones something to smile about.
Maybe I’m crazy for expressing my vulnerability.
But I’m not alone in the search for mutuality.
The wind whispered your name yesterday, and again today.
Instead of ignoring
I listened
and I remembered that it’s OK
There’s space for a reason,
and I’ll leave it undisturbed for a while.
The tea kettle spoke to me with it’s unsettling scream of urgency
I watched as the sugar dissolved in the too hot water and I thought of you
The mug sits on the dresser next to the one from yesterday.
I guess I’ve become too lazy to clean up after myself,
or perhaps I left it there to remind myself that there was a yesterday
and that I was thinking of you still, even then.
There’s an unsettling distance from this bedroom to the kitchen sink
and there’s an unsettling distance between you and I.
I want to become blind to those many footsteps once more,
like it used to be, only a few days before.
It’s not just the sweet taste of sugar on my tongue that reminds me of you and the delicate taste of your lips, but it’s practically everything.
So I bide my time and hold my tongue,
because I like you, and I miss you.
For a second, I thought that I was OK.
Not to my surprise, I was sadly mistaken.
The push and pull of north and south creates distances I’m willing to break
But I need to know that this is mutual.
Maybe I’m a fool.
I don’t think so, for vulnerability is a beautiful thing.
I’ve opened my arms, and I’ve relearned things I forgot so long ago.
And I can say with courage, I know that I’m OK.
I’ve got a new job.
Hopefully, eventually, someone to call mine.
and even though I feel like I got hit by a train over and over
I’m smiling, because I’m happy, and I like it.
A lot.
When you find yourself waiting
When you immediately notice a change in the way the wind blows
When the mail man doesn’t come at the exact same time as he has for the last seven years
When you write a post because you’re scared shitless with no liable reason for being so.
When you make things too serious
Sometimes, when I’m in that moment, I have to stop myself and say:
“Relax, everything is fine. Don’t apologize for caring.”
I occupy this bed where lips will linger, and have. I occupy this space of shadows and blinds that keep the sun from penetrating my flesh covered bones and find that I am not alone. “Good Morning,” he whispers as the door once closed is opened. My body lies still as I drift between eyes wide and narrow.
The cheshire smiles once more, for Alice is awake again.
Curiosity was said to kill the cat,
When in fact the one who’s dead is I,
The one who’s tongue was caught by you.
I lay here now and soak my skin
In blatant lies, I wonder then,
Am I the one who broke the vow
My arms show purple, and yellow, and green
Your lips are sealed with mine it seems
That this would surely happen to me
Now I’ve built a fucked up square
And there’s no turning back from here.
The little hand on my analog wall decor ticks with each passing second, the next louder than the one before. The agony inside my restless heart builds and builds in a space with no maximum capacity. I’ve yet to discover the reasoning for my longing, because you are invisible to me thus far. No hand to hold, no body to fill, no heart to warm.
It’s funny though, how perfect you may seem. So why do the red flags wave with more intensity than my eyes have ever witnessed.
I only know how to attach myself, like velcro at the state fair. I need a little assistance when it comes time to detach my agile body from the wall that so effortlessly towers over every dream I ever let go of.
My expectations have shrivelled and my hand has grown cold. My hope is running away.
